Notes on Love

I am obsessed with many things, but the greatest of all my obsessions is love.  Most people who know me know that I love love… I tell people that I love them very easily, and I try to do so very often.  Love is the bond that ties all people together, and it provides us each with our ultimate meaning in life.  It is almost indistinguishable from our faith, and yet it clearly is a separate entity.  As a topic, love is simply too large to deal with comprehensively, and I do not want to write a dozen volumes on the same subject (though, I think the subject would deserve the coverage).  As a short cut, I wrote down a number of my thoughts on love – they begin as a reaction to C. S. Lewis’ book on The Four Loves, and they end as a reaction to some the discussions that our Inklings group have had on love.  These notes are written in an outline form, and each segment could become its own story, or its own article – or in some cases, its own book.  Yet, even this collection of notes is not comprehensive.  It has many gaps, and it is a living set of notes, in so far as I plan to add to them as I become inspired.

I am placing this in the “Inklings” section, because I shared them with that group first.  I am posting them now, because I plan to write on a very small aspect of love in the coming week (prior to St. Valentine’s Day).

 

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Love is a difficult topic because it has already been covered so well… no only by 1,000 years of poets, but also by my personal heroes.  C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves contains a very strong discussion of love and our interaction with the divine.  I loved the book… and yet, I also found something unsettling about it.

I.  Main thesis of C.S. Lewis: human love tends toward selfishness, and it needs God’s love to be complete and to be satisfying

A.  In summary: C.S. Lewis defines four kinds of love

1. Familial
2. Romantic
3. Friendship
4. Charity (love of stranger)

B.   Each of these kinds of love, Lewis argues, is natural to the human condition – even without knowledge of God we would engage in these types because we were created with these needs

• Familial: the deepest form because it leads unconditional self-sacrifice for our children
• Romantic: the most obvious because it draws people together to ensure reproduction
• Friendship: the simple agreement to share common interests
• Charity: the common politeness demanded by neighbors and strangers in a civil society

C.  Basic thesis: Lewis argues that these natural forms of love are all insufficient in themselves… if left to themselves, they tend toward selfishness and can create (rather than heal) pain.  These natural forms of love require divine assistance for them to be complete.

II.  I agree with the basic thesis (fully and completely) … but I disagree with how C.S. Lewis defines human love… he deals with love as if it were an emotion, and in this way I am unconvinced.

A.  There is (obviously) an emotional element – there is a feeling of love that is undeniable… whether romantic, familial, friendship, or even for strangers.

B.  Yet, that feeling is not the essence of love.

1. I think C.S. Lewis was, in fact, trying to make just that argument but he did so by focusing mostly on the emotional aspect of love.
2. In so doing, he simplified love in many cases to something that it is not

a.  He asserts that men and women cannot be truly friends because they cannot find/share common interests — I think he got that wrong, because he defined friendly love simply as a rather selfish desire to share common interests.

b.  In addition, I think his examples of “religious love” or “piety” being overtly selfish was also overdrawn.

1)  Yes… in both cases, the destructive examples can be found where people “use” love (or the name of love) to mask pride, or selfishness, or even anger.

2)  But, No… it is neither the gender, nor the Church, that is the cause of the selfishness… they are obstacles that interfere with a sort of love that is innately stronger and deeper.

c.  In many other ways, Lewis revealed the underside of love when it is used to abuse rather than to bring us closer to God…

1)  Friendship can become exclusive, familial love can become possessive, romantic love can become overly serious and overly sensual (and may disdain the routine of life), or become temperamental (and fade away altogether on an emotional level)… all of which, undermines our ability to engage in the most common opportunity for love, which is love of neighbor… of Christian charity.

2)  His point is that we get used to the selfish sorts of love and that prevents us from truly loving our neighbor… and that is an excellent argument.

3.  But… I think it is incomplete.  By focusing on the human side of love, he actually underplays the divine source of love (rather than emphasizing it, which is his purpose, I believe).

a.  C.S. Lewis is explicit about his choice… he did not want to talk about the divine side of love, because he wanted to recognize our human tendencies to destroy love

1) In 1950s/1960s many secularists (such as Julian Huxley) were arguing that people do need religion to be “good people”

2) It is a very common argument today: you do not need to believe in God to be “good”

3) Lewis is arguing that religious faith is what makes people good… if there is no God, then are natural human loves turn to selfishness and we cease being good,

b.  But… I am not convinced that it is possible to subdivide the origins of love so clearly (between the physical human needs and the divine source)

1) I do not believe humans can have any feeling of love at all outside of God – we have many emotions, but emotions are not always identifiable (or distinguishable)

2) Our tendency to destroy love is not merely a human thing, it is not that our “human love” overshadows the divine love. Rather, our tendency to destroy love arises precisely in relation to our tendency to break away from God (we obstruct our capacity to love by obstructing our relationship with God)

3) I would argue that any sort of “human love” finds its origins in the divine nature of man (as creatures in “God’s image”)

a) We can (and do) train ourselves to distort and undermine that love by associating it with differing types of emotions/feelings

b) But, that human love is not wrong by nature, and it is not selfish by nature

c) We train our love (God’s love) to be selfish because we learn to confuse the feeling of love with other feelings that belong to sin and vice (greed, possessiveness, fear, anger/jealousy, lust, power, objectification, etc.)

4) It is not that our human love is incapable of satisfying without God’s love to supplement it… rather the emotions of our human love can only truly be expressed when they are expressed in their natural element (the natural medium) of God’s love

a) Human love does not exist outside of God

b) What we think of as “human love” (romance, affection, friendship, family bonds, protectiveness, etc.) is only love when it is expressed outside of ourselves (in God’s love).

c) If it is expressed without any subservience to God (or to the “other” outside of ourselves), then it is some other human emotion that we have dressed up as love, but it is not love.

4.  Before we start… we must define love

a. The “human” definition of love is not sufficient

b. The divine love is also difficult to grasp (which was C. S. Lewis’ point)

c. More generic definition… when we put someone else before ourselves… true love involves a measure of sacrifice (whether it is romantic, or familial, or friendship, or generic love of neighbor).

1) This is where C. S. Lewis became cynical, and relayed anecdotal stories of when self-sacrifice turned into a form of selfishness

a) I have great respect for C. S. Lewis, but he paints his descriptions in a façade of realism (which, I think, is a muted form of cynicism

b) There really is no place for cynicism when we speak of love (just as there is (literally) no place for cynicism when we speak of faith.

c) This is C.S. Lewis when he was much older… he may have harbored a tiny bit of cynicism at this point (we will never know for sure)

2) In his day, that sort of selfish expression of charity and friendship and romance may have been more common without being obviously corrupted, and more easily recognized when it was in contradiction

a) he was an English gentlemen, a bachelor scholar (for most of his life),

b) he lived within highly stratified social relationships… he may be focusing mostly on the “false” side of overt civil politeness, which tends to portray itself as a sort of self-sacrifice as a default order.

3) In our day, though, self-sacrifice is not as common and true love is not commonly recognized or expressed outside of simple pleasures, and when we see love disguised as a form of selfishness, I think we may recognize the corruption more easily

a) Our media instead emphasizes how much we should love ourselves… and how we should not tolerate disrespectful words or actions from others.

(1) Oddly, it is the exact opposite of self-sacrifice an humility

(2) Our society has replaced “love” with “tolerance” with is often based on pride (you “must” tolerate my actions)

b) The corruption of love that C. S. Lewis refers to is not the rule… genuine self-sacrifice cannot be selfish.

c) If it is selfish, then it is not self-sacrifice, but a façade of self-sacrifice.

d) I think we can be honest about that distinction between real love and the façade of love, and still include self-sacrifice as a necessary component of love.

4) Perhaps, we can say love is an absence of pride… an excess of humility… putting someone else (genuinely and sincerely) ahead of ourselves. That is a reflection of the divine.

a) C.S. Lewis goes into detail on this, but I do not find the discussion as convincing or as satisfying

b) He says God loves us, but there is no way that He can put us ahead of Himself… also we must love Him, and yet there is nothing we can truly offer to God except ourselves… I think he confused his points by playing with semantics

d.  There are other characteristics of love… especially trust

1) Self-sacrifice leads to trust… it presumes that the other has my interests in mind, and so they will not hurt me.

2) Often the biggest expression of self-sacrifice, is the sacrifice of intimate privacy

a) you share yourself, you share your feelings, you share the gifts that God gave you…

b) that is a sacrifice because you do not hoard them for yourself alone…

c) and it requires trust to give and know it is appreciated and/or valued…

d) true love will give without the hope of return (that is heroic, but still a genuine sacrifice because you give without expectations).

3) To trust someone is, in part, to love them because you can give them your heart and know it is safe

e. Ultimately, though… I would argue that Love is a Grace that leads to an action and a state of mind

1) Love begets strong emotions, but I would argue it is not the emotion itself

a) it is the over-reliance on the emotional side that gets us into trouble

b) For most people, we find it is very difficult to distinguish any one emotion from another

(1) Do we truly know the difference between joy and happiness and pleasure?

(2) Do we truly feel the difference between the love between strong friends, and the love between family members, and the love between romantic couples?

(3) There is a difference in expectations, and obviously there is a difference in sexual activity… but outside of sex (if we remove actual sexual stimulation) and focus just on the need for closeness, the desire for proximity, the desire for intimate understanding, the warmth of friendship… is that easily distinguishable in one form of love from another?

c) As such, when we think of love as an emotion only (or even mostly), we make ourselves liable to confusion or conflation

d) In its most extreme expression, some folks might conflate their repugnance for another with love – both emotions are extreme, and given the rights circumstances they might be interchanged without intentionally desiring it

2) Love is expressed in actions, but it is not an action alone

a) We “do” love… when we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own, when you share yourself with them, and when you trust them… from little things to big things, the commitment to love is an action

b) But, it is not only an action.  People can engage in acts of love with no love at all

(1) Obvious example is casual sex, which has no love and often undermines trust

(2) Other examples is bureaucratic charity – actions performed for the good others because it is mandated but without actual personal love for them

(3) St. Paul write about this explicitly… without love, the actions are brash, clanging offenses

c) We might recognize acts of love (acts of affection, kindness, sharing of ourselves).

(1) Perhaps the simplest, and yet maybe the most potent, is prayer

(2) If you have an issue with someone who is unlovable (rude, mean, angry, irritating, etc.)… then pray from them every day… and see what happens.

(a) You may not be able to change them (free will is always an obstacle to divine inspiration)

(b) But… YOU will usually develop greater empathy, and compassion, and understanding for them

(3) Prayer is a powerful and essential act of love

3) A conclusion? — Love is a mental disposition that leads to actions, and often results in particular kind of emotions

a) The mental disposition is: I will share myself with that person, I will trust that person (in the sharing)

b) Even if the person is untrustworthy, I will still share a part of myself

c) Our fears undermine our trust:  “Do not cast your pearls before swine” – I do not want to hurt myself and lose myself for someone who will not appreciate the sacrifice, or who will not love me in return… the basic fear that love engenders… and yet, are we not called to always love?

(1) We love for their sake – whether they appreciate it or not

(2) But… we must not lose the source of our love

(3) If loving someone else causes us to break our connection with God, or our communion with others, then we must be wary

(a) Casual sex or misplaced physical trust can create wounds that interfere/obstruct our relationship with God

(b) So… we are naturally wary… and this is, perhaps, the most common source of the loss of innocence… we recognize the pain of losing love, and so we develop protections against that loss

(c) Unfortunately, though, in so doing we may also diminish our capacity to love… this requires healing (and prayer)

III. Section yet to be written:  Describe the connection between God and Man through Love

A. Marriage, the physical allegory of God’s relationship with Man – the journey of life brings us closer to understanding God in a more perfect love (unconditional familial love), through a more precise allegory (romantic love)

B. Priesthood/celibate religious/single lives

C. Essentially… how does our vocation reflect our love for each other, our love from neighbor, our love for God

D. Other natural obstructions that limit our capacity to love (or be loved): insecurity and guilt intertwined with our level of faith and hope (regardless of whether we recognize either)

E. MUCH MORE TO BE WRITTEN

IV. The Problem:  We do not know how to love… or… we start knowing how to love, and then allow that capacity to be confused, or corrupted, or obstructed as we reach maturity.

A. God created us with a capacity for love, but we seem to do our best to obstruct that capacity

1. God also created us with a capacity to love Him

2. And yet we do our best to obstruct that capacity with sin

3. Fortunately, God also gave us mechanisms and tools with which to fight against sin, and regain our sanctity (over and over again if need be)… with the ultimate gain of dying in grace, dying away from the sin, dying in love of God.

4. The meaning of life is, ultimately, tied with our destiny to love others – to love our neighbor as ourselves, and in that way, to truly love God… to fully develop the capacity that God created in us.

B. The loss of innocence and the corruption of love

1. We see love in children

a. Christ said, “Come as a Child” – children love without fear… they give their hearts unreservedly

b. Children know how to love – youth is truly defined by innocence.

c. We usually lose that capacity as we grow older

1) First… we lose it when we lose our innocence

2) Second… we can train ourselves to continue to obstruct our capacity to love by callousness, selfishness, anger, or escapism (the four main ways… others?)

d. Fortunately, we do not become saints in a day… we have a lifetime to become saints

1) We are all called to be saints

2) Our lives are our training to become saints

3) Our lives should help to teach us how to love again… without fear

2. Loss of innocence usually associated with maturity

a. True in part…

1) it is the ultimate meaning behind the Adam and Eve story.  We lost our innocence when we discovered evil, and as adults we become aware of evil.

2) Often described as “coming of age”

b. I disagree, though, that it has to be associated by the actual wounds from loss and pain… I would argue that the fear of such loss is sufficient

1) Healthy adulthood: We become wary of loss, but we do not obstruct our capacity to love

a) Example: we are innocent before marriage, and after marriage we have lost our innocence.

(1) It is not the sex that stole the innocence

(2) It is the romantic love… we fall so hard in it, and we realize its voluntary nature, and we begin to fully appreciate the pain of losing it (whether we lose it or not)

b) We become aware of the evil world, but do not run from it, nor do we embrace it. We recognize evil, and strive to overcome it with love.

2) Unhealthy Option #1 – desensitization

a) We play with our own emotions and fall in love whenever we see someone attractive

(1) We confuse love with sensual lust

(a) Comes from engaging in sexual acts outside of the bonds (and committed trust) of marriage

(b) We engage in the sensual lust and discover that the person we engaged in it with was only interested in selfish pleasure (not in love) and we feel the loss of love (which is a lot like hell — which is literally the loss of the source of all love)

(c) Yet… since we equate love with the emotion of lust, we end of repeating the same actions for the hope of finding love, and then we inevitably suffering the same pains

(2) Eventually, we become desensitized to love, and associate the actions of lust with love alone… and forget the innately satisfying power of love itself (that brings us to God)

(3) In this way, we lose our innocence, and compound it, because we have trained our bodies to think of lust, or pain, or jealousy, or anger, or something similar when we encounter love… we “substitute” emotions without fully realizing it

b) People who “fall in love with falling in love” are usually attracted to the initial innocence of love… before it became commonplace (routine), before it becomes burdensome, or begins to require reciprocation….

(1) We love to fall in love, but only when it is full of excitement and the hints of lust and unexperienced pleasures

(2) We withdraw as soon as it becomes intimate, and as soon as the pleasure waned, or as soon as it requires something from us (becomes a burden)

(3) This is not love… it is selfish pleasure seeking (emotional as well as physical)… we objectify the other, and see them as the link to our pleasure… but when we really see them, then we lose the pleasure.

(4) True love requires putting the other before ourselves… this is “falling in love with the our own selfish pleasures” (much different)

3) Unhealthy Option #2 – over sensitization (hypersensitivity)

a) We fear the temptations/burdens that follow falling in love, so we hide/evade/avoid it altogether

(1) There is risk that the loved person may no longer love us (or may hurt us)

(2) We think it takes too much energy to maintain the relationship, to maintain the love

(3) We would rather not experience anything, than possibly experience the pains of lost love that come from our fear that we are unable to give enough to sustain it

b) This loss of innocence is not born from the wounds of loss, but from the fear of giving enough to keep it (it is a form of selfishness in sharing)

(1) Whether from fear of being hurt, or from an unwillingness to share, both reflect a sort of selfish desire to be completely in control of heart, and emotions, and of God’s treasures

(2) It is a little like “hoarding” (or… “putting your light under a bushel”)

(3) Strongly tied to pride, even though the real fears often disguise the pride as a sort of humility (or lack of courage)

(a)  Example: “I am being good by pushing everyone away and denying myself their love” … or… “this is for your own good because I know myself”

(b) this is, at heart, actually more selfish than humble – we want to control everything, and do not want to give without permission

c. Both sorts of lost innocence arise when we install multiple walls around our emotions to prevent access to others

1) If we are desensitized, then we use sex/affection or other emotions of love as a tool of manipulation

a) Love then is stripped of any real meaning

(1) We objectify each other (turn people into objects instead of people)

(2) Men most often objectify women by thinking of them in terms of objects of pleasure

(3) Women most often objectify men by thinking of them in terms of objects of services, or manipulate them to their will

b) Our capacity to love is handicapped by an unwillingness to share what really matters

2) If we are hypersensitive, then we avoid sexuality/affection completely if it risks any kind of reciprocity that demands further commitment (we are kind and warm to strangers, but remain cold to our friends – we fear sexuality and warmth)

a) Love is hidden and used sparingly, if at all

b) Our capacity to love is restricted by innumerable walls of self-protection, which prevent sharing ourselves

3) Both sorts of lost innocence reflect a broken or malformed sense of trust

a) You may lose trust because someone has hurt you (desensitized)

b) You may lose trust because someone has attempted to get to know you (hypersensitive)

4) Both sorts are often expressed by a desire to appear “hard” or “unmoved” or “cynical”, or even “disdainful”

a) The desensitized find it difficult to feel the power of love, because it has been so frequently intermingled with other more base emotions (pain, anger, envy, jealousy, insecurity, vanity), so they are genuinely hardened – they lost their ability to remember innocence

b) The hypersensitivity never exercised their capacity of love, because they were so fearful of losing control over it – they also intermix the natural emotional expressions of love with more base emotions (pride, fear, insecurity, despair), so they hide behind a shell of hardness – to deliberately subvert their innocence because they do not want to feel the full power of love

d. By contrast… a healthy capacity of love does the exact opposite… we see beauty and love in everything

1) We are called to love our neighbor because it is through the other person that we are able to physically see/experience God’s love

2) When we practice a habit of loving everyone as if they were our family, then we have more opportunities to experience God’s love (unlimited outlets of love)

3) With such a flood of love, accepted in humility (not in pride or vanity), then we become accustomed to seeing beauty and love everywhere (we get used to seeing God’s hand everywhere)

4) We are the opposite of cold and cynical or unmoved… we are warm, and loving, and easily moved

V. Section to be Written:  Pain and Hurt that Comes from Love, or Obstructed Love

A. The hurt we cause others

B. The hurt we cause ourselves

C. Causes of Hurt

1. Why do people choose not to love?

2. Why do people give up?

3. Why do people choose self-destructive paths?

D. Solutions for Avoiding Hurt

E. MUCH MORE TO BE WRITTEN

 

VI. Main point: Our capacity for love is directly tied to our relationship with God

A.  Basic idea:

1. As we insert obstacles and distance between ourselves and our Creator, so too we frustrate and diminish our capacity to love

2. As children, our capacity for love is complete – so too is our innocence, and our communion with God

3. As we get older, we insert ourselves as competitors to God

a. This is the nature of our first sin, and the ultimate source of all sins

b. We would “be like God” in our taste and acceptance of sin

c. Ultimately, our pride undermines our relationship with God

d. And in the same pride, we diminish our capacity to love fully and freely

e. Love is the opposite of pride (and can dissolve pride), and conversely pride will kill love

B. Allegories to express Love:

1. Love is like a river that constantly flows over the land

2. Love is like the sun that constantly shines on the earth

3. Both the river and sun provides nourishment and life, and yet they can both be overwhelming, and both can hurt

C.  Obstacles to love: God loves us constantly, and so it is in our actions that we embrace, or subvert God’s love

1. Love pours through us constantly, and we are like a conduit for God’s love on earth – it brings all people to Himself

2. God’s love can be overpowering because it destroys our pride

a. we make choices to preserve our pride

b. we subvert God’s love because it is easier to hide behind ourselves

3. Our souls constantly feel (and yearn for) that love, but we are also animals who can be conditioned for almost anything

a. Our hearts leap at real truth and real beauty and intimacy – but these things can cause/create fear of losing ourselves, so we try to disguise/subvert those natural feelings

b. We recognize the yearning in our soul, but we condition our bodies to divert (corrupt) that yearning into something else

c. Example: We feel the intimacy of a friend – and we immediately associate it with emotions (we think) we have more control over

1) We might confuse intimacy with lust

2) We might confuse intimacy with envy or competition

3) We might confuse intimacy with a challenge, leading to anger or resentment

4) We might confuse intimacy with obligation, and run away from it

5) We might feel the natural desire for communion, but then interpret it as something else (physical lust, or even its opposite – physical/emotional repulsion)

d. We are body and soul… our souls may yearn for God, but our bodies can be taught to yearn for anything (stimulus/response)

4. If we are not careful, we may tend to diminish (or even destroy) our capacity to love

a. The Devil encourages this destruction – and ultimately, it is his goal and plan for attacking us (these are constant temptations)

b. I think this was basically what C. S. Lewis was trying to argue

1) He wrote during a different time, and he wrote with cynicism (which was unusual for him), and so I think the message was clouded

2) Lewis was just arguing that our natural tendency is to subvert, or divert love, and without God and faith, it will always fall short

c. I would argue that the love never originates in man, or in the body, or in the emotions

1) It always originates from God

2) And it is always flowing – there is no time when we do not feel the power of God’s love

3) It is in our free will that we choose to subvert/divert that love to other things that are base or self-destructive

d. Both C. S. Lewis and I would agree that without a conscious awareness of God and our humble gratitude toward Him, then these human expressions (or diversions) of love will never satisfy… we will always want more and never feel fulfilled by it

1) In best circumstances, we become bitter and jaded and cynical and lead unfulfilling lives (failing in what God had planned for us)

2) In worst circumstances, we fall into despair and prefer death over life

D.  Good news:  Beauty of Grace — God saves us, and wants to save us, and He does so through love to overcome our own selves (our own pride)

1. God provides tools and vehicles for overcoming the natural obstacles that we set between ourselves and God, which undermine our capacity for love

a. We are also created with a desire for humility – we may want to become our own gods, but we find fulfillment when we let go of that burdensome goal

b. God gave us free will to choose humility, to choose repentance, to choose remorse for sins, to choose to embrace Hid love rather than subvert/divert it

2. God creates us with innocence

a. Not perfect… we are born in original sin, but He also gave us baptism to wipe it away and let us be born with innocence

b. The grace of Baptism is real, and an essential first step in preserving our capacity to love on earth

3. God gave us tools of Grace as we become adults, and “come of age”

a. As we grow older, he gave us repentance to remain in His communion

b. He gave us fellowship of the Eucharist to build us and sustain that communion

c. He gave us the Grace of the Holy Spirit to help us better embrace and employ his constant love

d. He gave us vocations to express his love through our work, through our relationships, and through our families

E. There are four kinds of love because they fit with our various needs as we move through life

1. Romantic love is essential for drawing two people together to form strong personal trust

a. Marriage is a physical example of the communion between us and God

1) Our souls yearn for God, but our bodies need some sensory manifestation to fully understand that yearning

2) We yearn to love God, but it is in our marital vows that we first come to feel/see what love is

b. Our bodies were built for physical attraction, which can become a natural conduit of romantic love

1) We can subvert that conduit through desensitization, or hypersensitivity

2) But, we can also embrace it naturally as long as respect its context

2. Romantic love is limited

a. It comes with conditions – we express Romantic love fully only when we can do so with complete trust in the other person

b. Romantic love must find fulfillment in marriage, or it will die for lack of trust

c. Failed romance is a major source for desensitization (and a motivation behind hypersensitivity)

3. Romance must lead to Marriage, which is defined by a mutual willingness to accept and commit to life-long upbringing of a family

a. Both spouses agree to put their own desires behind the desires of the other, and of their future children

b. We marry so we can bring in the next generation and see that initial romantic love expand into something larger than it was

c. It is the commitment that keeps the power of romantic love alive… yet even in marriage, romantic love is temporary – it is meant to bring us to familial love (it is not an end in itself)

F. Familial love is the most powerful of all

1. We may be drawn to another single person through romantic love, but familial love can be expressed to multiple people and often without conditions

2. Parental love for children is usually unconditional

a. Children constantly make mistakes as they struggle to become their own adults

b. Parental love is able to withstand the highs and lows… it is not dependent on what the children do, but rests on the children simply as they are

c. Sibling love may (or may not) be less strong because it is a consequence of a strong family – it follows the example set by parental love

1) A strong loving family creates strong bonds between siblings

2) A family where parental love is obstructed (either through divorce or some other pride or addiction) may create instability between siblings

3) Sibling love is a product of familial love

3. Like any expression of God’s love, familial love can also be diverted/subverted

a. We can become overly possessive – try to hoard family love, or try to prevent children/siblings from being their own persons; we can be resentful, jealous, angry, competitive, etc. and etc.

b. There may be any number of worldly distractions that can insert themselves, and associate themselves as alternatives to that natural love between family members

c. At heart… it is pride that fuels these corruptions. When we remove ourselves, when we seek out our humility before God (and others), then these distractions disappear… and our natural capacity to love returns

4. Familial love is the closest material expression to God’s love for us

a. It is unconditional, it is non-exclusive, and it lends itself to self-sacrifice (parents must give of themselves and their needs to care for their children… Jesus asked us to call God “Our Father” for this reason)

b. A strong marriage will usually evolve into this higher form of love [Deb was a perfect example of this]

c. Usually… people must reach familial love (parent to child) through Romantic love… but not always

1) God gives some people a special gift of familial love

2) Those who enter the religious life and embrace celibacy move straight into familial love

a) Rather than reserving their trust and expression of love only for one person, they open their hearts to all people

b) Rather than loving only their own offspring, they treat all children as their children

3) This is a higher love, and not all people are called with this sort of gift

d. Some people may choose this gift (initially) in response to their hypersensitivity

1) They may be afraid of physical love, or afraid of such close intimacy as a romantic relationship

2) Hypersensitivity may actually begin as a gift – God may give people that tendency in order to move them into the religious life

3) But… even this gift also can be subverted

a) Hypersensitivity left to itself can become the highest form of selfishness… we hide our gifts from everyone, and give no love to anyone

b) The religious life (celibacy) is a gift that God gave to the world so that we can fully express His love to everyone – without exclusivity, but also without the fear of betraying personal intimacy.

c) Just as marriage is the tool used to bring romantic love into a higher form, so too celibacy is the tool used to bring charity (love of neighbor) to its highest form

e. Homosexuality: A sadness of modern hypersexualized society

1) Many people who are given the gift of celibacy are pressured to turn it into romantic love

2) Homosexuality is often a corrupted expression of the hypersensitivity (or in some cases, desensitivity, when excessive sexual activity causes it to lose its stimulation)… in both cases, we confuse sexual activity as the primary expression of love

a) It is torn from any commitment to bring new children in the world (impossible for homosexuality)

b) It is based on the physical stimulation, torn from the natural end that romantic love is intended for

3) It many cases, people who may be called to live the religious life as a celibate succumb to the massive social pressure to sexualize that impulse (another expression of diverting/subverting a divine form of love)

a) This is a very great evil in our society, especially when the pressure occurs in youth

b) We can train our bodies to do anything – including to find attraction in ways that are not naturally attractive

(1) This ability to train our bodies to find stimulation anywhere is the whole problem behind subverted/diverted love… we associate the emotions of vice with natural emotions that constantly occur… and we avoid the natural expressions of love because we trained ourselves into the unnatural expressions

(2) It is evil especially for youth because it can alter an entire life… it becomes an identity that is promote going in, and strongly resisted going out. Because it is naturally unsatisfying, it often leads to depression, despair, and very high rates of suicide

(3) In our modern hypersexualized society, it is currently one of the devil’s favorite ploys

G. Friendship is the most common expression of love outside of family

1. It, too, is a gateway expression… we develop friendships as a prelude to a familial sort of love

a. A stranger may become a friend through common interest

b. A friend may become a brother, or sister, or son, or daughter – the simple love can become part of a higher love

2. We are called to treat our neighbors as our brothers – the members of the Church are often described as our “brothers and sisters’

3. Friendship is like a practice for broader expression of love toward everyone

a. Eventually though, with wisdom and practice, we are called to treat our neighbors, and even strangers as our brothers and sisters

1) This is difficult when we live in an imperfect full of sin and corruption

2) Part of our loss of innocence (coming of age) stems from an awareness that some people will violate our trust, some people with hurt us through our love, and some people will take advantage of us

b. Yet, we are still called to love our neighbors as ourselves

c. Friendships help us to understand our neighbors, and help us to understand strangers, and help to navigate the dangers

H. Like friendship, Charity is also the minimal expression of our love to others

1. By the end of our lives, we need to truly love even strangers just as we love our siblings, and our children… we should transform our charitable into familial love

2. That is the goal of life – to fully develop our capacity for love so that it can be expressed without obstacles and constraints

3. Charity is a reflection of our close community with God

a. The more we develop our faith, the more we can love without fear

b. The more we develop our humility, the more we become a full conduit of God love – without our pride getting in the way

4. We practice our faith, by practicing our love… and in practicing our love, we truly live and grow in our faith

VIII. Therefore… to develop our relationship with God, we must remove those things that obstruct our capacity to love

A. We must engage in daily acts of love

B. Acts of love differ according to the “type” of love.. inappropriate acts can lead to distrust, rather greater trust

1. Romantic love involves (obviously) different actions

2. Misuse of sexuality abuse the purpose of romantic love (leading to either desensitivity or hypersensitivity)

3. As a rule, the simplest actions are acceptable for all forms.

C. Basic acts of love:

1. Prayer — daily prayer truly builds bonds of friendship and familial love

2. Works of mercy that affect the soul: prayer, fasting, other acts of personal sacrifice

3. Works of mercy that affect the body: feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, visit the lonely, help the sick and needy

4. These are minimal acts of love for our neighbor, that transforms them from strangers, into friendship, and hopefully into common brothers/sisters and sons/daughters

5. Kindness, gentleness, affection… these are all acts of love that do not involve sexuality or romance… and they help hearts to practice the actions of love

a. Love is a mental disposition – it is a willingness and a commitment to share of yourself to someone else

b. But we are body and soul… and mental disposition alone fades and disappears without physical action

c. Actions of love help to reinforce the mental disposition

6. If we shun the actions of love… or if we misuse them (divert/subvert to non-loving purposes), then we fail to love… we reduce our capacity to love… we build up obstacles that make love increasingly difficult.

 

VIII. Questions to ponder:

• When does love begin?  How do you know when it ends?
• Can you “fall” out of love?
• Can love really end?  Should it ever end?
• Can two friends (platonic) fall out of love?
• Can you love someone who does not love you in return?
• Should you love someone who does not love in return?
• Can you (should you) love someone who is hurtful, callous, selfish, untied to you?
• Can you (should you) love someone who is unlovable?
• Can you (should you) love someone who is dishonest, who lies, and who violates your trust?
• Can you love someone without forgiving them?
• Can you cease to love your family members?
• What does anger do to love… what does love do to anger?
• Is there a difference between falling in love, and living in love?
• Is there a noticeable point when the “newness” of love turns into the “routine” of love?
• Are there kinds of people that you should not love?
• Is there a strong difference between the emotional feelings that come with love and with hate and with desire?
• What is the connection between love and humility?
• Conversely, how does pride affect love, and how does love affect pride?
• What is the connection between love and self-esteem?
• Can we love if we are not lovable?  Can we be lovable if we do not love?
• Can you love without affection?  Can you love without liking the person?
• Can you love someone in an arranged marriage? (is it easier or harder?)
• Is there a difference between what we are called to do, and what we should do, and what we can do?
• We may know about acts of love… are there acts that undermine/harm love?
• Can you ever not be in love?  (what does not being in love look like?  How does it express itself?)
• How does love resemble (or differ) from prayer?
• Lastly… what, then, really, is love?

 

IX. Questions from our Inkling discussion:

• Is it possible to feel multiple kinds of love at the same time?  (Romantic and Friendship and Familial… for example?)
• Can you love someone in friendship who already in a romantic relationship with someone else?  Is it dangerous to be friends with a married person?  How do we protect against friendship becoming something that it should not? (like romantic love, when the other person is already in romantic love?)  (Follow up: are we willing making these distinctions?  Or are we hoping for these distinctions?… How must trust and honest is in this relationship?  …see last question below)
• Can someone change their kind of love – from friendship to romance and back?  Is that love, or is it infatuation?  Does romantic love threaten the love of friendship?
• What if someone chooses to fall out of love – what can you do about it?  (Follow up: which kind of love?)
• What if someone falls in love out of fear? (fear of being alone, for example… and suffers great abuse because they would rather have the attachment than to be alone?  Or they do not feel they are worth true love, and so they settle for something that is dishonest, abusive, and otherwise harmful?)… (Follow up: do you think that is really love?)
• How can you tell the difference between an infatuation and actual love?  Is it based on time?  Or is there some other way to know?  (character, commitment, first impressions, etc.)… what if someone is really good at lying to you? (see first question below)
• At a young age (18-24), with less experience, it is very difficult to distinguish friendship love from romantic love… most often “love” is described in terms of romantic love, and “friendship” is not believed.  How can we figure out the difference?
• At a young age (18-24), should we pursue friendship love only, or pursue romantic and hope for friendship?  If we cannot easily one from another, how do we ever know to move into romantic love?

X. Most of these latter questions were answered during the Inklings discussion… and the answers can be recreated easily… but these questions are a little different.

A.  Can someone fall out of love?  Real question… How do you know if the person truly loves you (in romantic form)?

1. This requires discernment – not to discern what you want, but to discern what God has in plan for your life

a. That is the whole point of the question: how do you know?

b. It is, ultimately, the hardest part of falling into a romantic relationship

c. That is why prayer must be a constant and ardent part of any discernment

1) In prayer we remember: “It is not what I want” (because I may be tempted by anything)

2) Instead we focus on: “Is it what God intended for me?” (that is always enduring)

2. Main risks (fears) of falling in romantic love:

a. The other person is not actually in love, but is only infatuated with you (or you are not actually in love, but are only infatuated with the other person)

b. The other person is only excited by your appearance (sees you as an object, and not as a person)… or you see them as an object

c. The other person is not ready to make a genuine life-long commitment (or you are not ready to make a genuine commitment)

d. The other person may simply not be intended for you – despite all the other similarities of interests and desires… God may have other plans for you (or for them)

3. Basic solutions – test your romantic love with time, talk, and maturity:

a. Time – you need to see your friendship for more than one moment (or one stage)

1) Romantic love needs to find joy in the routines of life, and not just the excitement of romance

a) Often, the true colors arise during the quiet moments, the routine moments, the ordinary moments without any excitement or stimulation

b) It takes time to know someone in all their moods, and all their capacities, and all their routines

2) People can be deceived by stimulation alone

a) “Newness” brings its own stimulation – the new love, the new life stories, the newly shared experiences are exciting in themselves

b) New physical sensations are stimulating because they are new… they can lose their stimulation over time (when they are no longer new)

(1) This is why two people who are courting, and who are discerning their romantic relationship must not engage in sexual activity

(2) If the relationship includes sex, then it is almost impossible to distinguish whether you are attracted to the other person out of love, or out of physical stimulation

(3) We do not avoid sexuality outside of marriage because we are afraid of it (or do not approve of it), but because it can harm our love (cloud our discernment)

(a) That is the big lie of secular society

(b) We (Christians/faithful) love sex… but we know it is not a source of truth

((1)) Sex is stimulating

((2)) but that stimulation is not permanent

((3)) Like anything (everything of this world), even sex can lose it excitement over time

(c) Sex is an act that leads to familial love (it brings about children, and requires lifelong commitment to each other and the children)

(d) Two courting adults should take measures to avoid sexual contact in order to truly discern the basis and source of their mutual trust and love

((1)) If you cannot restrain yourself outside of marriage, then how do you expect to do so within marriage?

((2)) Self discipline and self restraint all hallmarks of trust

c) This excitement of new stimulation is why people “fall in love with falling in love”

(1) This is the definition of “infatuation”

(2) They are not actually falling in love, they are driven by the stimulation of newness

(3) The danger is that nothing remains new

(a) Relationships must evolve into something deeper – which means it must move beyond the newness

(b) Routine and the pressures of daily life constitute the bulk of marital relationships… newness fades quickly

(4) If the person is (or you are) merely infatuated, then the emotions of the stimulation will fade in time

(a) Honesty may require an end to the romantic relationship… romance is created for marriage, and marriage must be much stronger than temporary infatuation

(b) A failed romance does not mean it must led to a failed friendship, or familial love

((1)) It may be difficult, but it is always better to maintain conduits of God’s love

((2)) Unfortunately… for young people especially… that failed romantic love may need time apart in order to heal

((3)) In the long term, friendship is always better than nothingness

((a)) Prayer is always healing, and spans any distance, and is always appropriate

((b)) A temporary stay of “time and distance” may help transition away from romantic love to love of friendship

((c)) But in the end… the goal is to strive to maintain friendships and familial love

(c) If someone is unwilling to accept friendship (or familial love), then the person probably does not understand or know or experience love

((1)) They may be experiencing the stimulation only

((2)) They may have seen you (or you them) as an object rather than a mutual soul

((3)) Solution to this kind of situation:

((a)) Recognize that you cannot force people to accept love of any kind

((b)) You can, however, always pray for them

3) Time allows you to see the other person with greater depth, and outside the excitement of the moment

b. Talk – you need to communicate openly and honestly with each other in order to truly know who the other person is (and for them to know you)

1) Romantic love (and its natural culmination of marriage) requires honesty and trust, which requires shared hearts and souls

a) The goal is to become one flesh – this is not just a sexual reference, it is a true state of being in communion with another

b) We share ourselves, our hearts, and goals, dreams, and ambitions

c) God does this for us through a special Grace (“What God has joined together…”), but He cooperates with our choices… the Grace of Marriage is that He will join us together

d) The most important sort of talking is praying together… honestly and without fear

2) Any inability to honestly communicate will result in an inability to fully love

a) Romantic love is fickle because it so strongly tied to physical emotions (the sexual side of love), and emotions are never constant

b) Trust, fidelity, and faith produced by Romantic love must serve as a conduit (a pathway) to the highest form of love: Familial

(1) Familial love is unconditional

(2) Familial love is not fickle and is not subject to the highs and lows of emotional satisfaction

c) Anything that prevents two people from communicating honestly and fully, will likely undermine their ability to develop a strong friendship and the realization of familial love

3) Romantic love (like all forms of love) does not require duplication of interests, but there must be compatibility (or a complementariness)

a) Both people must share the same faith in God – all love comes from God, and a disparity in faith will result in a disparity in human love

b) The issues that define our character, and our identity must not be mutually exclusive (on politics, childrearing, money)

(1) If these are at odds, then the attraction is likely physical (or stimulation based) and not enduring

(2) Two people who do not share the same hopes and joys in earthly interests, may find they are on different paths (different journeys)… and may not be willing to remain on the same path together

4) Marriage involves seasons of joy, of hardship, of routine, and of number of ups and downs that God allows to be place… romantic love requires perseverance most of all

a) Communication helps both people to share the burdens together

b) God gives us different seasons, which means that the down will ultimately be followed by the up… perseverance requires faith and hope that God will raise us up to overcome the temporary obstacles

c) If one person falls into despair, and if they do not allow the other to help them out of it, then the relationship suffers… communication is essential to prevent that sort of isolation

5) Talking provides a chance to know someone (and who they strive to be) even if you do not get to see them under all circumstances

c. Maturity (Adulthood) – often, time is less necessary if both people are completely aware of what a romantic commitment involves.

1) Most relationship problems begins when one or both parties react as children, and not as mature adults

a) Young people do not always have the experience to recognize different forms of love (friendship, familial, or romance)

b) Young people have had less experience with perseverance

(1) The experience of undergoing hardship, and then enduring, and then seeing positive results for having endured

(2) The experience from the passing of time needed to develop trust in yourself and to know that the hardships will eventually give way to growth

c) Young people often have less confidence in their own gifts

(1) They have not had as many chances to exercise those gifts

(2) So they have fewer opportunities to see how important they are

(3) An inability to recognize your own gifts often leads to insecurities… which raises obstacles to our capacity to love (through pride, or despair)

(a) For young couples, problems are often seen in terms of blame

((1)) Either, we tend to lay blame on others

((2)) Or, we tend to take all blame

(b) We tend to see only the blame, and not the beauty or good that comes from the resolution of problems (intended or unintended) through God’s grace

d) Young people often do not often recognize the power of their decisions

(1) Both those that lead to bad ends and those that lead to good ends

(2) They have had fewer opportunities to see and experience the long term (or even medium term) consequences of our actions

(3) Wisdom comes from the experience of seeing the consequences of our (and other’s) actions, and understanding their importance

2) Adults take ownership of their decisions and actions, and must be willing to accept responsibility for their choices

a) Maturity is not necessarily tied to age

(1) It is usually more associated with experience

(a) Those who have experienced troubling times, and yet still persevere usually build and develop wisdom

(b) Those who have escaped or evaded/avoided troubling times often do not understand the reality of hope

(2) It is not uncommon to find an immature older person, or a young person who acts and thinks beyond their years

(3) Famous aphorism, “It is not the years, but the mileage that matters”

b) If both people in a relationship (any relationship) act and behave as adults, and if they have openly and honestly shared their hearts and souls together… then they may recognize God’s will very quickly

(1) This is the “love at first sight” thing that people speak about

(2) It is not rare, but it can be misinterpreted/confused with infatuation, which is why time is usually a safe salve just in case

c) The key to understanding enduring marital love: Romance does not require maturity, but marriage certainly does…

(1) you may fall in romantic love (or its approximation) at any age

(2) but you cannot truly accept the responsibility of a lifelong commitment until you are an adult

4. Bottom line:  Marital vows do not begin with the marriage ceremony. They should have been demonstrated long before the marriage takes place.  If they are not apparent, then they may not become apparent with the onset of a marriage ceremony.

a. We always choose love: all forms of love… therefore, we make a choice when we fall out of love

b. Romance is only one form of love, and it is only allowed for one person (and not required for friendship or familial love), so we can and should choose it only when it is appropriate

1) Friendship and Familial love should never be allowed to die

2) Romantic love can always be avoided, but once committed to (mutually), it should not be allowed to die

a) Romantic love fails because we (or the other person) chooses to give up rather than persevere

b) It can die because we choose to destroy our bonds rather than build them up after an offense

c) Ultimately, we choose ourselves (our desires and needs) rather than the those of the other — and the other person may do the same to us

(1) Such actions may be taken defensively (in protection)

(2) Or they may be taken selfishly (in assertion)

d) Either way, it is a choice made by two people, and you only have control over one side… so we must trust in God to take care of the rest

c. Romantic love is a choice, but it is fickle by nature

1) It is never sufficient in itself… Romantic love needs to be reinforced by familial love for it to be enduring

2) The marriage vows are not taken for immediate romance only, but for the added promise of familial love in the future

3) Romance leads to families, and families leads to the deepest form of love

a) Friendship may also evolve into this deeper form of familial love

b) Celibacy should also evolve into this deeper form of familial love (without romance)

c) The point is that romance is never the end in itself

d. An incapacity to love God will inevitably result in an incapacity to love your spouse (romantic love tries to replace familial love, but it cannot)

e. We take time and energy for discernment, because our lives will be changed forever as a result of our decisions (made in free will) – our hope and faith is that these changes are good (and are what God wants for us)

B. If someone has a strong friendship, and the other person has developed a romantic attachment (or… has objectified you and is looking for a physical or manipulative relationship without love at all), then how do you respond?  Is it better to completely end the relationship (and lose the friendship?), or to explicitly define the limits to ensure a friendship?

1. This requires an immediate answer:  At heart a sub-question is, “is it better to have no relationship than to have a dangerous relationship?”

2.  This is good question, but it depends on recognizing your own personal level of self-restraint.

a. If you do not think you can resist the physical and manipulative relationship, then it is better to end it completely

b. This is a function of trust

1) if you can trust the other person, then you should be able to ask them to help you not to cross the line

2) if you have no trust in the other person, then it is better to leave it completely

c. In an ideal setting a situation may evolve without blame:

1) Two friends develop a natural and friendly relationship – or perhaps they even develop a familial love (no romance, but a strong bond of trust)

2) One friend confuses that love as romantic, and tries to pursue it

3) The other friend may feel uncomfortable… and they may want to avoid a conflict… they may prefer to run away and hide and never discuss matters again… but these are last options (not a first option)

4) This kind of situation requires courage:

a) the one friend must rely on the trust of their mutual friendship and love

b) they must talk about the situation, and be explicit about the limits of their relationship

c) Ideally: both people will return to their former relationship as friends, and the confusion will be forgotten as just a confusion

d) Ideally: the one who confused friendship with romance will accept the limits of their friendship and will be able to reassure the other that they really do only desire friendship

5) If it turns out that one side or the other cannot accept a relationship of friendship only, then their relationship is not really based on either friendship or familial love… but is likely based on selfishness — it may be self-serving, or based on proud emotions that are/were disguised as love

a) Ideally, we always strive to keep the relationship alive

b) But… pride may cause one (or both) person(s) to break/wound the relationship

c) A single person cannot be both sides of a relationship… they cannot force love (of any kind), so they must humbly accept the decisions of the other

d) The relationship may end in terms of its physical proximity… but it should never end in terms of the most basic acts of love (continual prayer for the other)

3. This scenario also opens another question: which is better?  A dangerous relationship, a questionable relationship, or no relationship at all?

a. Ideally… we want a healthy relationship: the more we develop healthy relationships based on love (family love is best, but at least friendship), then we learn to experience God love, and we practice how to love in return

b. Every person that we learn to love (family, friend, or stranger) becomes a potential conduit of God’s grace, and God’s love

1) If we can love everyone as if they were our brother/sister, or son/daughter, then we can be God’s hands on earth, and the other person will also be a reflection of God’s hands on earth

2) It is always better to open a loving relationship than it is to close one

c. But… people can be abusive, and people can be manipulative, and people can undermine your sensitivity or your trust or your faith in God

1) We are called to love everyone… especially those who are unlovable

2) But we are not asked be unlovable ourselves (not in terms of beauty… but in terms of being open to God’s love)… we are never called to sin, and it is always better to remove ourselves from the occasion of sin, than it is to risk the sin in the hope of doing good

3) If we cannot resist changing into an unlovable person by staying in the relationship, then we must end the overt relationship

d. At the same time… there is never a call to completely remove all acts of love from ANY relationship (romantic, familial, or friendship)

1) We should always pray for others – not just those we are close to, but also for those who are in trouble, who may be harsh or abusive, or a danger to us

2) We may not change them… but we will likely change ourselves with a greater capacity for love

4. Final answer:

a. We should struggle to maintain friendships, we should struggle to maintain familial love whenever possible

b. If the struggle is only on one side, then we must remain humble… we will love in ways that do not require proximity… we should always pray

c. If the struggle is not in our control (the person objectifies you, does not really love you, or is only out to use or manipulate you), then we may have to remove ourselves physically out of their control… but even in these cases, we can and should always pray for them

d. There is never a reason to remove all love (we should always pray)

 

C. How can we tell when a friendship starts becoming romantic (accidently, unintentionally, or otherwise unwanted?)

1. Obviously, if the love involves sexuality then it is romantic in nature (or self-serving)… sexual activity is appropriate only in a romantic relationship

a. Sexuality is the process for bringing in new life, and new life must be brought in a whole and healthy family (to make sure each new generation starts well)

b. Sexuality increases romantic attachments because the family needs exclusive fidelity between two people, in a lifelong commitment to each other and to the children

2. But what about when there is no sexual activity?  How can we distinguish between friendship, familial love and romantic love?

a. There are many cases when romantic love is not appropriate, and not welcomed

b. Some scenarios might include:

1) Two friends, and one is married or already in a romantic relationship with another

2) Two friends, and one has taken a vow of celibacy (in a religious life, or otherwise committed to live as a single person in the world)

3) Two friends, and one (or both) have no romantic interest in the other

c. In these cases, romantic love is unwelcome and inappropriate. For youth (ages up to 24), it is very common for the last option to become an issue because young people often cannot distinguish between romantic love and friendship or familial love (or lust).  How is this unwelcomed romantic love demonstrated?

1) Two friends, and one begins to act and behave as if it were a romantic relationship… but still claims it is only a friendship. We have special terms for these situations:

a) Two people are friends, and one is married.  If a romantic relationship developed between the two friends without sexual activity, then we might call it an “emotional affair”

b) Two people are friends, and neither are married.  If one develops an inappropriate romantic relationship, then we might call it “obsession”

2) It is especially difficult for youth to distinguish between friendship/familial love and obsession because they usually do not (and should not) engage in sexual activity so they can not use the presence of sexuality as the determining element

a) Despite the lack of physical activity these situations still fall into any one of the various forms of love.

b) In some cases, it may even be appropriate to develop a romantic relationship with the right person (they may be hoping for it)

c) Nevertheless, there are so many “wrong” people that you do not want to develop/encourage such relationships with… so it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between friendship, familial or romantic forms of love, and it is easily confusing for both parties.

3) Two ways that people may become confused:

a) One person assumes the other person is obsessed with them in a romantic way and does not believe it when the other claims to only want friendship (when perhaps it really is only friendship after all)

b) One person actually is romantically obsessed with the other, but has convinced themselves that it is only a friendship (deceiving themselves)

4) In any of these cases, one or the other of the friends is usually deceiving themselves, or each other as to the nature of their love and their relationship… they claim to be friends, but romantic feelings/actions are developing

3. How do we distinguish between friendship or familial love and romantic love, when we cannot point to obvious sexuality?  When do we know that our friendship/familial love has crossed the line into romance (inappropriate or otherwise)?

a. This can be a problem because both friendship and familial love share the same kind of trust, self-sacrifice, and sharing… the difference between the two is a matter of degree.

1) Friendship and familial love is appropriate in all situations (provided both sides of the relationship share in a mutual trust)

2) Romantic love shares all the elements of friendship and familial love, but has two other elements that belongs only to itself: sexuality and exclusivity.

a) Romantic love is only appropriate as a prelude to marriage (and is only fully expressed in the full commitment of marriage).

b) It is easily distorted and abused outside (or independent) of marriage.

b. The key way to distinguish friendship/familial love from romantic love is in how it is shared/expressed.

1) Friendship/Familial love can be shared with anyone and at the same time (it is not exclusive)

2) Romantic love can only be shared with one other person (it is always exclusive)

4. How do we distinguishing the differing actions of love?

a. The acts of friendship and familial love may be very similar to romantic love, when it occurs without sexual activity

1) Friendship (and familial love especially) includes:

a) Open honest conversions with trust and confidence

b) A mutual desire to be close (proximity) and a desire to share joys, pains, and dreams together

c) Physical expressions, such as hugging, touching and sometimes kissing (as long as it is for warmth and comfort, and not for stimulation)

(1) Parents and siblings and friends may kiss each other on the forehead or cheek

(2) Parents and siblings and friends often hold each other’s hands, or provide physical comfort in times of distress, or joy

d) Generosity (giving gifts, or performing tasks/chores, or favors, doing “little things”)… these are common expressions of love no matter what form the relationship takes

2) It is not always clear that an expression of a romantic vice indicates the presence of romantic love.  The are some vices that we associate with romance, but which are present in all forms of love

a) Jealousy

(1) when we allow pride or envy or self-doubt to interrupt expressions of love

(2) jealousy certainly exists in romantic love, but it is almost equally common in families (siblings) and between friends

b) Lying, anger, greed, etc.

(1) the pain of these vices are all magnified when the relationship is close

(2) but these vices are not unique to romance, and may be found among family members, or friends, or strangers

c) Someone may be jealous, or lie, or get easily angry, or commit any number of acts without these acts being a “sign” that there are developing romantic love

b. Signs of romantic love may include all the above actions, but they usually also exhibit other characteristics that are unique only to itself (and are not found in familial love or in friendship).

1) Romantic love craves exclusivity, privacy, and fidelity

a) It does not want to be shared with others

b) It seeks exclusive trust between only two people, and no more

2) Some clues/warning signs that a friendship/family love has crossed the line into romance (intentionally or accidentally)

a) The friend acts possessive (like they have a right to your exclusive attention, and may resent your attention to others)

b) The friend wants to keep you to themselves, and not share your time, or gifts, or presence with others

c) The friend creates “separate spaces” that are exclusive for you and them (without allowing – or discouraging others to join in)

d) The friend constantly has excuses for why you need to spend time together, alone, and away from others

e) The friend leaves their former group of friends/colleagues, to join your group of friends/colleagues

f) The friend makes life-choices to ensure that they remain in close proximity to you for the long-term

(1) The friend does not want to let you pursue your own vocation if it removes you from them

(2) The friend does not want pursue their own vocation if it takes them from you

g) If this is an emotional affair, the friend lies to their spouse:

(1) About the amount of time that they are spending with the friend

(2) About why they need to spend time with the friend

(3) About what they do with the friend, or what they talk about together

h) If this is an emotional affair, the friend keeps secrets from their spouse:

(1) Does not tell their spouse about what they are doing with the friend

(2) Does not tell their spouse about any “separate spaces” created for the friend

(3) Does not tell the spouse about why they are making certain life choices

i) If this is an emotional affair, the friend is placing the needs of you over the needs/concerns/fears of their spouse

(1) The confidence and trust that was given to the spouse, has been redirected toward you

(2) Romantic love is exclusive to one person at a time… if it is given to you, and the person is married (or already in a romantic relationship), then the bonds between the spouse will be broken in favor of the “new” friend

(a) You cannot serve two masters – you cannot love two people with romantic devotion (one grows and the other suffers)

(b) An outside Romantic does not “help” spousal relationship… it always hurts it

(3) Placing the intimate emotional needs of a friend over the needs of a spouse is the definition of infidelity… whether there is sex involved or not

j) In summary: if the actions between friends/familial relationships begin to move towards exclusiveness, and away from openness, then it is crossing into romance.

3) Of course, we are considering acts of love that are not overtly sexual

a) romantic love also involves any form of sexuality

b) kissing or touching with an intention to stimulate is always sexual, and is never a “friendly/familial” act of love

c) deliberately touching erogenous zones on the body, which cause natural stimulation, is always sexual, and is not a “friendly/familial” act of love

d) Specific Inklings question: is it more hurtful for the spouse to have a meaningless sexual affair or to have an emotional affair (or to have sexual affair and fall in love)

(1) Obviously, all extra-marital affairs are very hurtful and undermine the trust of the marital bond, but there are differences

(2) Sex alone is often devoid of love if it is mere objectification – it severely breaks the trust of self-restraint, but may be healed with humility and forgiveness

(3) An emotional affair is probably more hurtful than sex alone, and more deceptive… it may arise accidentally from confusion or miscommunication, and may be backtracked without causing permanent harm to the marital relationship – but it breaks the trust of fidelity of the heart, and healing requires humility, forgiveness, and deliberate recommitment

(4) An emotional affair with sexual activity is the most destructive because it violates both the trust, and the commitment of life-long fidelity. All things can be healed, but this requires all the things above, plus time

5. We must also remember that romantic love is not always unwelcomed or inappropriate.

a. If the two friends are free to enter into romantic relationships, then the natural progression from friendship to romance may be encouraged

1) The best marriages are marriages where the couple began as friends

2) The best families are ones in which both spouses understand (and experienced) familial love before they have children

b. Sometimes these signs are helpful in recognizing when a friendship might become romantic… if it is not unwelcome, or inappropriate, then these are good signs to look for to decide whether to encourage of reciprocate the feelings

6. What do we do if we see a friendship/familial love turning into an inappropriate romantic love?

a. If you see a romantic relationship developing in other people who ought not to be developing such a relationship (such an emotional affair), then you should speak to one or both of them

1) Be warned: one or both of the people in the relationship will likely grow very angry (and may even think they hate you) because your words will convict them

a) These people have entered into the relationship voluntarily – even if accidentally

b) Such relationships always involve a great deal of guilt and insecurity

c) These vices (guilt and insecurity) can easily turn to anger and resentment and are just easily expressed outward as inward

2) If the growing romantic love is genuinely unseen and unexpected from one or both people, then they (one or the other) may grow angry and blame you for trying to hurt something that provides them with much comfort

a) It may wound, or even end your friendship with one or both of the people in the relationship

b) We are always called to love… but we cannot break free will

(1) perhaps humble love is all that we can hope for

(2) we pray for both people in humility… knowing God is ultimately in charge

(3) we pray for both people in faith… knowing that God will ultimately heal if people are willing and open

3) Nevertheless… though it may be hard, and ultimately painful, it is far better to speak to your friends than to be silent and endure the pain of watching your friends fall into a destructive relationship that may potentially lead one or both of them into desensitization, or hypersensitivity. The pain of an inappropriate, or harmful relationship is worse than the pain of feeling conviction, or even the pain from a lost/wounded friendship

b. If you witness such a relationship developing between yourself and your friend, then you also must speak

1) Often the inappropriate romantic relationship develops because one or the other person is not fully expressing themselves

2) It takes courage to confront issues in ANY relationship (romantic, family, or friendship)

a) Speaking will open up a pathway for continuing and maintaining a friendship, in which God’s love can be expressed and shared

b) Not speaking, can create misunderstanding, or lead to miscommunication, which breaks/wounds the relationship and ultimately interferes with the expression of God’s love through one or both of you

3) The first impulse is to hide, or retreat, or pull back, or otherwise break all communication

a) It is hard to speak, and it is hard to repair a relationship that may have developed in an inappropriate way

b) If the friend does not accept a relationship based on friendship/family love only, then you may have to remove yourself

(1) The “obsessed” friend may need to be pushed away (in terms of physical proximity)

(2) The “emotional affair” may require physical distance so as not to create an undue temptation for you or your friend

c) But these are both options of last resort

(1) Often, an open and honest communication can correct the misdirected expectations, and normalcy may return

(a) Maybe there was no obsession after all

(b) Maybe there was no emotional affair, accidental or otherwise

(c) Either way, open communication can create clear boundaries to ensure for a stronger and healthier friendship/familial love

(2) At the very least, open and honest communication will help to lessen the pain of any necessarily imposed distance

4) The least successful option: cutting off all ties without explanation — this is unnecessarily hurtful to the friend

a) They may not understand why the friendship was severed

b) You may have seen an obsession or an emotional affair that was not actually present (you may have been mistaken and provided no opportunity for explanation)

c) More importantly, it is always better to maintain friendships than to end them

(1) Friendships are the conduits of God’s love, and we must love our neighbors to be able to fully love God

(2) We only cut off physical acts of love when we are physically in danger, but even then we do not sever all ties

d) At a minimum, we always pray… the most basic act of love is always required, especially for those we have already established friendship/family bonds with

7. Bottom line:

a. If you recognize inappropriate romantic love in your friendship/familial relationship, then you must end the romantic love – both for your sake and for the sake of your friend

b.  The Levels of Defense against inappropriate Romantic love are:

1) Remove yourself from the acts of love that are exclusive, private, and limited to you and your friend alone

2) Communicate your concerns – directly and explicitly (be courageous, and be heroic if necessary – this is precisely what courage and heroism is created for)

3) Strive to maintain/salvage your friendship, but if it is not possible (either because it is too difficult for you to maintain, or too difficult for them to accept), then you may need to physically distance yourself… not as a first course of action, but only as a last-resort

4) Remember that despite the depth of the temporary wounds… always strive to find healing for your friendship: be open to renewal of friendship/familial bonds if possible (in an appropriate way), and at the very least, always pray for them

c. We always choose to fall into and out of romantic love… it is never inevitable

1) If there is a danger of temptation, then remove yourself from the “occasions of sin”

2) There is always a choice

a) Both to maintain love (of any sort), and to end love (of any sort)

b) We should choose to maintain friendship/familial love whenever possible, and limit romantic love only to those relationships that will lead to marriage

XI. Concluding Thought

Love is invisible.  It is difficult to describe, or understand, or manipulate, or control because it is not physical and it is not consistently grasped.  Yet, it is very powerful and we feel it, and see it, and depend on it through all the emotions and actions that love compels in us.

Yet, love is not made up of emotions, or of actions – it truly is immaterial and not of this world.  It is like other Graces of God – they are all invisible to the material world, but they are absolutely real.  Baptism, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage… none of these graces can be easily seen or even detected… but there very real, and they cause genuine changes in our souls and in our actions.

Like electricity… we can see its energy and see how it turns on our appliances, but we cannot see it directly.  Electricity courses through the wires without effecting or harming the wires (unless the wires of frayed or weakened), and so too our bodies and our lives become conduits for love.  Our emotions and actions are moved by that power, and it may hurt us or others if we are not careful – but it also empowers all that we do.  We cannot see love acting in us, and yet it is expressed through all our interaction with others.

In all its forms, love yields great power.  In its romantic form, we see and feel the power in its most extreme forms (great joy and even greater sense of loss).  Yet, it is just as powerful in its other less obvious forms – we just do not always see it without the expressions of emotions.  The deepest form of love (familial) may seem the most commonplace and the least noticeable… yet it is also the most unselfish, the most sacrificial, and can be the most humble.  It is (and should be) a constant stream that flows through us, and is unnoticed because it is a continual part of our living.

If someone loves you… you always hold great power over them.  If you love someone you are always within their power… whether you or they recognize it or not.  God gave us love so that we can be His sources of power (conduits) on Earth… we are then beholden to use it… not to hide it… not to corrupt it.. and not to ignore it… but to use it for His ends.

Love is always powerful, so we must be extra careful not to abuse it, or divert it, or withdraw it, or extinguish it if such decisions are ever within our control.

Love always, repair when possible, heal when necessary, and always strive to love without justice (to love beyond that which is minimally required of us.)